she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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