my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
