she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
