Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
