3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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