Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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