; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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