home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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