ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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