you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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