I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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