Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
