I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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