We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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