Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
