One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
