Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
