Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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