worst night to have a conscience
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
