i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
