It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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