Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
