Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my shit smells like andre
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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