He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
