Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
