I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
