Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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