dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
