She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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