I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
