Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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