Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
