I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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