Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Randomize
