I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
