so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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