guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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