the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
no you cant smoke seaweed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
