The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
