I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
