Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The adults are the big ones right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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