It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
