Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
