What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
