Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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