I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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