Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
