she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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