I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
