But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
