We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
