then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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