Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
