My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
