I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
